Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I’d love this…lol
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.