@DrakeGatsby

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

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@ComedicBust

[in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down

Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..

JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@stewnami

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

@Browtweaten

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

@all_dredd

her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@OhHiAlyPie

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT