Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
two people or more is called a problem
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face