Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Remember folks 😂

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

There’s always that one guy

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate