Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her