ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
