@truegritrumble

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

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@Simeogirl

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

@hazelmotes1

Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@longwall26

If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.

@bourgeoisalien

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

@rudy_mustang

Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure

Me: yes it’s done

Publisher: it’s about time

Me: i know, i wrote it

@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@snowmedia

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”