I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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it’s finally my moment to shine
Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.
Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure
Me: yes it’s done
Publisher: it’s about time
Me: i know, i wrote it
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
“that’s orion’s belt”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”