Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.