Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!