me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
my nickname in college
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves