Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Name this drama.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023