Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?