Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.