Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.