Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

me and my fake scenarios

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

My plans: 2020:

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?