Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
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Sniffing the broccoli
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.