Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always a housemaid, never a house.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be