Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

🛁

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.