Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner