Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

😉😝

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan