Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
First I was a pebble..
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.