Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Safety first
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
fly smarter, not harder
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man