Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.