Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
they should create new variants of dopamine
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.