Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I need to update my racial profile.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science