Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.