Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?