Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

I’m ready to try another planet.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?