Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

A wise man once said nothing.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over