me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough