Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Thursday

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me