Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”