Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
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“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it