Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

(Electricians.)

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds