Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them