Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?