Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Very problematic

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.