Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
こいつ天才
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”