Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.