Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Home #decor warning.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going