Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that