Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
You can’t rush stupid.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?