Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers