Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t