Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

💀💀💀💀

*offers Batman cough drops*

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles