Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me