Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

<—- homeless romantic

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …