Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.