Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”