Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
This forever.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
San Francisco has too many rules
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
