Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”