Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

men, we mow at sunrise.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.