Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Pigeon open mic night.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.