Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

i want to work in this restaurant

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot