me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Yep.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.