Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
*3.5 thank you very much.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
never compromise your values
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Good morning
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]