Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
calling in to work dehydrated
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one