Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

ㅤ

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

ㅤ

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.