*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
You Might Also Like
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Saturday
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]