*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet