Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.