Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

The old gods are rising again.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

HR said no more nunchucks.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.