Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
crying
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
