Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?