Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.