Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut