[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.