[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy