[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Every time.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing