[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.